I Notice it Now
by Beautiful Willow
Summary: [SpikeWillow]Maybe it just happened along the way, and I was too blind to notice it. I notice it now. (Warning: attempted(meaning failed) suicide)
1. Willow

I Notice it Now By TaCe  
  
Summary: Maybe it just happened along the way, and I was just to blind to notice it. I notice it now.  
  
Dedication: This is to my muse, to Pamela, and to the wonderful world of BtVS. Also to Luxie, Meg, and Ana. You guys didn't know this was happening, but I luv y'all anyways. And lastly to Microsoft Word Spell Check, my best friend in the whole wide world.  
  
Pairing: Spike/Willow  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own it. I'm not getting money from it. Please don't sue me!  
  
Feedback: Yes, please. I want to know what you think. However, flames will be used to light vanilla scented candles and/or roast yummy sugar-y marshmallows.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
I don't know when it started. Maybe it was when he kidnapped me and threatened to shove that bottle into my face. Maybe it was when he couldn't bite me, but assured me he would not hesitate to if he had the chance. Maybe it just happened along the way, and I was too blind to notice it. I notice it now.  
  
When Xander and I walked in and saw him trying to stake himself, I almost started crying. I know I put up a front, but in truth, I didn't want to see him gone. If he had dusted himself, it would have destroyed me. He shouldn't have tried to kill himself. Drusilla isn't worth it. And Buffy? Goddess, how could she do that to him? He is so not beneath her! If anything, she's beneath him.  
  
I guess, if I'm honest with myself, I've always known. I've always known I loved him, and I've always known he didn't love me back. So, it's time to leave. I took a knife from Giles's weapon chest, and I'm ready. There's nothing more for me here. I've left them all notes so they know that I cared, but I just can't live this lie anymore.  
  
Goodbye, beloved Spike, my lovely William. Your heart is purer that that of anyone with a soul.  
  
I took the knife to my chest, resting where my heart was. If it could kill vampires, it could kill me. My hand started to shake, and I felt tears form in my eyes. I raised the knife, and plunged it into my flesh. A piercing scream filled the silence of Ravello Drive, and after a second I realize it was my own. As I pushed the knife further into my chest, a searing pain tore through me, blinding me. And then, there was nothingness. 


	2. Spike

I notice it now 2/?  
  
By tace  
  
Dedicated to Barbie and megz, neither of whom have read this.  
  
A/N: this is un-beta-d, so any and all mistakes are my own. Please review. I will try to update quicker this time.  
  
Spike  
  
I shouldn't be here. I know I shouldn't. At least, not for this reason. I should be here to see the slayer, or to talk to the lil' bit. Not for this. For over a year, I thought I was in love with Buffy, but no. What I felt for her was lust. I couldn't have her dead, so I wanted her "mine". I don't even like the bint. I'm here because I've finally figured it out. The real reason I came back to Sunnydale. The real reason I help out the damn "scoobies". The only real reason I'm glad I'm alive. Figuratively speaking, of course. The reason? Willow Rosenberg.  
  
The first time I came back, after Dru had dumped me, and I kidnapped her, I think it may have started then. And when I came back the second time (well, third, I guess), all chipped out, I went to the room to find Buffy. To kill her. Still, somewhere deep inside, I was ecstatic about finding Red alone in the room. The moment I saw her, I didn't want to kill her. I knew I wanted to turn her. I didn't think about why. I don't often stop to think. I didn't notice it then. I notice it now. She's my world. She's the only thing keeping me here.  
  
But she'll never feel the same.  
  
I turn away from the door and watch as the numbers on the wall catch the light. 1630 Revello Drive. It's not just Buffy's home anymore. It's Willow's.  
  
It's no use. I'm not what she wants.  
  
I start to walk away from the house, my heart breaking a little more with every step. It's back to pretending to be in love with the slayer for me, just to keep the truth hidden. I've just reached the street when a scream fills the air around me. A scream full of pain and anguish, and a little regret. A familiar scream.  
  
Willow.  
  
I turn around and run up to the front door. I know that she's alone. The door is locked, so I kick it in, grateful that I am still invited. I take the stairs 3 at a time. My brain is working overtime, coming up with horrible scenes of what I might find inside. I reach the top of the stairs and bound down the hall to her door. It's closed, but I don't knock before entering. Like I said, I don't often think things through. The first thing that comes to me as I open the door is the smell of blood. Her blood. It's everywhere, on the walls, the ceiling, pooled around her still body. The next thing is the knife embedded in her chest, one hand still wrapped around the blade. Her face is full of fear, her eyes still open.  
  
In all my years of chaos and destruction, I never saw something like this. I never saw someone I cared about after they committed suicide. It's so hard to accept. Just 5 minutes ago, I didn't want to enter so that she wouldn't know how much I care. I could have stopped this. I could have saved Willow's life.  
  
I inch toward her lifeless body in total shock. She's gone. Forever. I kneel beside her, and take her head into my lap. Red tears fill my eyes, and I let them flow. I look at her, taking in her beautiful red hair and gorgeous features. I love to make her smile. Now I'll never make her smile again.  
  
I reach out to close her eyes, but something makes me stop. There's something in the room. I listen carefully, and the familiar sound is like heaven to my ears.  
  
To Be Continued  
  
A/N: I undated, now for some responses.  
  
Ok, first, I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG.  
  
Amphitrite: No, I intend to continue. I forgot to write TBC at the end of Chapter one.  
  
hell for eternity: Wow, you are soooo nice. I was expecting flames!  
  
WillowSpikey: Thanks for reviewing, and the next chapter should be more of spike's reactions.  
  
ShadowElfBard: You're right to be angry. Which is why I am continuing.  
  
Syringe: Ana, here. Feel better yet? No... of course not. But I will try to update soon. (my life is at stake here...)  
  
BadBoyLover: Yes, I will continue. 


	3. Alive

I Notice it Now 3/?  
  
By: Tace  
  
Dedicated to Luxie. Where would I be without her? To Ana and Lisa, both of whom threaten my life if I don't update more often. And to... um... anyone who reviews chapter 2 but the review doesn't show up until after I post this.  
  
Pairing: Willow/Spike (^^)  
  
Feedback: I will love you forever if you do! The good! The bad! (But flames are used to my pyromaniac advantage and will be sent back, 10X as strong)  
  
Last time: "I listen carefully, and the familiar sound is like heaven to my ears."  
  
A heartbeat. Her heartbeat. It's faint, but it's there. I don't know how she's alive with a knife through her heart, but she is. I pick her up in my arms gently and begin to run towards the hospital.  
  
I fly by people out on evening walks; they turn to stare at me, or more precisely, the girl in my arms with a knife embedded in her chest. For once I am grateful that Sunnydale is such a small town, for it only takes me about 5 minutes to reach the hospital, sprinting at my best.  
  
I spot the bold letters of 'Emergency Room' on the glass. If it was possible, I run even faster towards them. The doors slide open, but not fast enough, for my shoulder grazes the plastic stopper as I pass.  
  
Tears are still running down my cheeks, I realize, hopefully unseen by everyone around me.  
  
She's fading. That faint heartbeat that let me know she was alive was growing weaker with each passing second.  
  
I think I am in shock. The nurses see her and rush to us. They pry her out of my arms and lay her down on a gurney. They are asking me questions. I answer them the best I can, but I am not really hearing them. They take her to the ICU to my left. A nurse asks if there is anyone I would like to call. I nod, still in shock, and she points to a phone. I dial the numberI know by heart, for no real reason, now that I no longer care about Buffy. It rings, and he picks up.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Giles, it's Spike. I'm at the hospital. Willow... she... knife... oh, god.... "  
  
"What?"  
  
I take a deep, unneeded breath and try again. "I'm at the hospital. Red's in critical condition. She stabbed herself. You all should be here," With that I hung up and slouched down in a chair.  
  
It is some time later, but I'm not sure how long it's been. I look up as they enter. The slayer rushes over to me and pushes me up against the wall, holding a stake over my heart. In the middle of the waiting room. Crazy bitch. "What did you do to Willow?" she demands. I won't look at her. She forces me to, and suddenly steps back. I guess she saw the look in my eyes. I know what they show right now. Worry, fear, sadness, love. She knows that I didn't do this. "What happened?" she asks softly.  
  
"I don't know. I was at your house, and I was leaving, when she screamed. I... I broke in the door and went up to her room and... she had... stabbed herself. Through the heart. But she was still alive. I didn't do anything. I swear."  
  
"Did you... Did you turn her?" Giles asked.  
  
"NO!" I shouted. It hadn't even crossed my mind to do so.  
  
For once, Xander was dead silent. We all sat quietly. At around 2 A.M., a doctor came out.  
  
"I'm Dr. Hargrove. Are you with Willow Rosenberg?"  
  
"Yes." Giles told him, when no one else responded.  
  
"All right. We have got her stabilized, but she has lost a lot of blood. The knife missed her heart by about a fourth of an inch, but there is no guarantee that she will make it. I have high hopes, though. It will be a long road to recovery. Now, did Willow show signs of depression? Was she taking any medication?"  
  
"No!" We all practically shout at him in disbelief.  
  
"Okay... We're going to have a shrink come by to see her tomorrow. For now, we're going to move her to a regular room, and then you can see her, one at a time."  
  
Time seems to drag on forever. It seems like hours later, but I guess it's about 15 minutes when Doctor Hargrove tells us that Willow can see us. She's in room 385. We four look at each other, and I am shocked to see them all looking pointedly at me. "You can go first, Spike." Buffy tells me. "Just don't take too long."  
  
I smile lightly at her, and then head up to Willow's room. I open the door slowly and look at her lying on the bed. Her face is paler than normal, and her red hair is sprawled across her pillow. She's barely conscious, but her eyes manage to focus on me, and she manages to smile slightly. I can feel my eyes fill with tears again, but I blink them away.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Willow. This is my entire fault. If I had just knocked on the door, you wouldn't have stabbed yourself at all."  
  
She shakes her head slowly. It seemed difficult to do so.  
  
"No," her raspy voice is so soft, I can barely hear her. "it's not your fault. It's not your fault I fell in love with you."  
  
I stare at her. There is no way she said what I think she said. I am about to respond when Buffy knocks on the door. "My turn, now. You gotta get home before sun rise, anyways."  
  
I nod, and shoot a quick smile at Willow once more before I leave.  
  
As I walk back to my crypt, so many thoughts run through my head. This is going to be a long day. I'm glad she's all right, though. I think she didn't know who she was talking to back there. There's no way she could love a demon like me. I sigh as I enter my "home" and lay down on my bed. Today is going to be filled with nightmares and restlessness. I might as well get started. I close my eyes and drift away. 


End file.
